Don't Lick it...Don't Stick it...Don't...

Okay, so perhaps the title of this is a little offputting, or maybe it isn't and you know exactly what you're getting into and what you're not. Anyway, I ripped the actual title of this post from my Biology Professor Dr. Eric Stabenau, so if you're out there EKS, I gave you full credit and if you'd like I can site it in acceptable Ecology Format for you!

Anyway, on with the story. So for those of your who don't know, I'm scientifically inclined (hence the source of this title) and as such I want to go to medical school. I'm working toward that goal by working in an Emergency Department in the United States. As such, I am well aware of the HIPPA laws and all that, but let me just share something with you people. A little fact of life, if you will. There are three or four difference categories that I divide things into:

1. Don't lick it.
2. Don't stick it.
3. Don't suck it.

That's it. Three little categories in which everything in life can fit. Everything. Seriously. Throw something out there. What was that? In the back row? A Zebra you say? Well you really don't want to lick or suck a zebra, so it fits into two categories, but however, if you want, you can stick it in a zoo or cage somewhere...so whatever. Now on to something a little more common place. How about...a straw? You suck on it, and maybe if you're feeling odd or coy you can lick it, but by God you're not about to stick it in your eye. Am I right people? Am I right?

Thank you.

Anyway, now that you get the break down here. I'm going to throw you a bone. There are breakdowns to these categories. Some of them, and these items mostly have to do with number two up there, that should be precursored with "unless attacked to something you can pull it out with." Now think on that for a moment.

Keep thinking you haven't hardly done enough of it yey.

Mortified?
Grossed out?
Worried about where your vibrator is and if it has something you can pull it out with?

Well then we're on the very same page. Now people, America is supposed to be this shining example for the world around us, but when the complaint of an up and coming shining star of the American dream comes into the Emergency Department is that they lost their vibrator something is wrong. Just as a clarification, they checked the side table, and it wasn't in the bedsheets.

I mean come on people. I understand that in the heat of the moment things can happen, but what about leading up to that time? A few minutes before? You know you think about using that thing long before you actually do, and we all know that you actually went through a mental check list when you bought it. Now maybe, just maybe it was your first time in a story and you were nervous, so you're mental list went out the window and you bought one in the least imposing box. The ones marked "Good Vibrations" and "Santa's Little Candy Cane" went right out the window and you nearly died from the one marked "Stimulating End". So you grabbed one without thinking. But when you got how, I KNOW you thought about the logistics. Jesus, who knew "Dog Bone" was going to be so friggin big, right?

So why, oh why, didn't you think about that particular object's exit strategy? Why were you so concerned with the entrance? I mean, when you're bent over a table with a doc trying to remove that thing from the wrong oriface, you're wondering these same things so why not jump ahead a bit and think about the three categories that rule my life. Don't lick it. Don't stick it. Don't suck it.